PHILLY CHEESE STEAKS AND FOXBOROUGH HEROS
There are Sundays where you watch football and think “Wow, what a game.”
And then there are Sundays where you watch your buddy’s favorite team completely shit the bed in the second half while Drake Maye marches into Buffalo, beats Josh Allen, and personally restores honor to the New England Patriots.
Yesterday gave us both.
Let us begin in Philadelphia, where the Eagles discovered a revolutionary new offensive philosophy:
Score 20 points in the first half and then simply role over and play dead.
Philadelphia walked into halftime with a 20–10 lead over the Rams. (For those burdened with a learning disability like the majority of Eagle’s fandom that’s double the points). Jalen Hurts had thrown two touchdowns. The Eagles had momentum. The crowd was happy.
Then somebody apparently unplugged the Acetylcholine receptors in Jalen’s brain during half time.
The Eagles proceeded to go 0-for-12 on third down and were held scoreless in the second half. They finished with just 172 yards of offense and watched a ten-point lead evaporate like Steve’s paycheck on Bovada.
This wasn’t poor coaching, a mental block, or even due to their extensive injuries going into this game.
This was anti-Eagles propaganda from God Himself.
And naturally, underneath the first lighting bolt from heaven was everyone’s favorite $255 million human “cheat code” Jalen Hurts.
Hurts finished the afternoon completing 12 of 27 passes for 93 yards and two touchdowns.
Ninety. Three. Yards.
“Jalen Hurts is not a glorified running back... he’s a generational talent that lacks playmakers!”
Shuuuut tf up fenty-wap. I think you dropped your heart attack sandwich back there on Kensington Ave.
That is what happens when your team’s QB should have been catching dump off’s in college from the guy backing him up.
To be fair, Hurts did throw two touchdowns. Unfortunately after halftime, the Eagles decided that they wanted to play European football (6 possessions, 3 punts, and 3 turnover on downs). Hey maybe Jalen has a future with FC United of Manchester!
Asked about the second-half struggles afterward, Hurts cited “poor execution.” like a broken record.
I can think of four words that would’ve been more appropriate:
“I Really Suck Ass.”
And before the Eagles fans (still shocked they exist) start typing angry paragraphs about injuries just know that I don’t care and your complaints fall on deaf ears and blind eyes #HellenKeller.
The Eagles’ offense spent the second half looking like the wet bandits from Home Alone.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the country, a completely different quarterback was busy doing something the Eagles probably consider physically impossible: playing good football with a subpar receiving core.
Drake. Fucking. Maye.
That’s right. We. Are. Back. (My wife might divorce me for how much I talk about him)
The Patriots quarterback went into Buffalo, against the Bills, against Josh Allen, in front of a hostile crowd, and showed that losing was simply not in their playbook this week.
Maye threw for 269 yards and three touchdowns, then led a game-winning drive late in the fourth quarter. (Efton Chism is Edelman 2.0)
Down 26–21 with under five minutes remaining, the Patriots needed a quarterback to make something happen.
So Drake Maye did. “Hurts” don’t it?
With 1:55 left, Maye dropped back and launched a 23-yard touchdown pass to Efton Chism, who came down with a ridiculous one-handed catch.
Then, because the Patriots aren’t trash from Philly, Maye hit Rhamondre Stevenson on the two-point conversion.
29–26.
Game.
And just to put the cherry on top, the Patriots defense intercepted Josh Allen on Buffalo’s final possession.
Beautiful.
Poetry.
Art.
Cinema.
I wonder if Josh went out for subs last week with Jalen to discuss game losing drives?
Anywho, somewhere in Texas, Steve was staring at his television wondering why Jalen Hurts couldn’t produce 100 passing yards while Drake Maye was out here conducting a fourth-quarter orchestra in Buffalo that would have made Beethoven jealous .
And honestly?
I understand the confusion.
The Patriots weren’t supposed to win that game.
They had just gotten absolutely embarrassed by Jacksonville the week before.
Drake Maye had been taking plenty of heat.
New England entered Buffalo with a 1–2 record.
Then Maye walked into the new Highmark Stadium and remembered:
“We’re the Patriots and I’m Drake Maye. I’m not some Jalapeño Philly Cheese Head Fent Steak Samdwich” or whatever they say in the city of brotherly depression.
Three touchdowns. 269 yards. Game winning drive. Road victory over Josh Allen. All as it was promised three thousand years ago.
Meanwhile, the Eagles had a 20–10 lead at home and somehow turned it into a 24–20 loss.
The contrast could not have been scripted any better.
One quarterback walked into a hostile stadium and closed the fooking deal.
The other quarterback watched his team go three and out spiritually, emotionally, and statistically for approximately three straight hours.
And that brings us to the most important takeaway from Week 4:
Drake Maye has always been objectively better than Jalen Hurts.
Is that statistically defensible?
Absolutely not.
Does that matter?
Not remotely.
This is football.
We aren’t here for nuance.
We are here to talk shit about Philly.
So congratulations to Drake Maye, the New England Patriots, and everyone who spent Sunday watching both the Eagles and the Bills collapse like a folding table at a Bills fan’s gender reveal party.
As for Jalen Hurts?
(Maye)be next week he’ll complete 13 passes.
Keep grinding, king.
Poor execution.