The Basement - A Renovation Story

Thirteen seasons passed. Two rings. Zero nights in The Basement. In fact, last week was the first time I had to pay for the weekly parlay. I have a feeling I need to add $10 to my weekly budget moving forward. Thirteen seasons of upstairs living, with natural light, hardwood floors, and a playoff spot here and there. I've driven past The Basement, sure. I've even waved at some of you down there. But I never thought I'd be signing the lease. Yet here we are. 0-2, sub-80 points in back-to-back weeks, and Steve calling it the worst start in league history. I'd argue with him, but I don't have the points to back it up, and frankly I agree. So I walked down the stairs from the roof deck this week to take a look around my new home, and fellas, it's rough. The previous tenant was Steve, and he left the place a mess. Then wrote an article about how bad I'm doing. Classy. There's one light bulb hanging from the ceiling and it flickers every time Marvin Harrison drops a ball. I've developed epilepsy. And holy shit, Puka Nacua is down here hiding! It's possible Goodell sent him here as a hush-hush punishment, like MJ got after his gambling fiasco. He's just sitting there drawing furiously parked on the stain covered futon... ah he's practicing the Star of David. I'd kick him out, but he said he'd bite me. There are FAAB bucks scattered everywhere down here: under the cushions, in the vents, and in a box labeled "Preston 2020." He's definitely not coming back for these. That's my renovation budget. The Renovation Plan I do this for a living, so I'm not just moving in. I'm pulling permits. Owen and Preston have seven stays between them here, so I may be reaching out for the property's history. The Skylight. First thing going in. If I'm stuck down here, I at least want to see the view. Preston, Mitch, and Ant are all 2-0 and partying up there. A skylight lets me look up at the fun and remember what 100 points felt like. The Flat Screen. 80 inches, wall-mounted, RedZone locked in all Sunday. The goal is to watch every touchdown in the league except the ones on my roster, because apparently those don't happen. The Kegerator. Dual tap. One for Sunday, one for Monday night when I need a miracle and don't get one. Might add a third tap specifically for when Preston drops 200 again... yep I'll just order this now. The Sump Pump. It's called Monday Morning Tears for a reason. After two weeks under 80, the water's up to my ankles, and a basement doesn't pass inspection if it floods every Monday. The Egress Window. Required by code, and that's convenient. The second I get a win, I'm climbing out of it. The Exit Strategy Here's the thing about The Basement: it's technically a rental. If by some miracle Matt or someone else is banished here, don't worry, I'll leave the RedZone subscription and a fresh keg. That's just good landlord etiquette. Until then, renovations are underway, the skylight is bright, and by some miracle, I'll see you upstairs, boys. -Boston Mayessacre, Resident (Temporary)